yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
