I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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