Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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