Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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