I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
