I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
