I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
