Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Sponge bath it is.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
