He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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