how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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