dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
