Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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