omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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