Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
wow bdsm is so cute
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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