I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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