i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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