wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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