So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
