I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
