apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
