I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
