Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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