Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
