I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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