You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
