just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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