I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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