there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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