dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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