it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
