her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
