Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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