she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
