Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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