wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
only you would photoshop your dick
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
