Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
