everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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