I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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