and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
