Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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