YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
