Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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