Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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