as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
