i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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