I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
