please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
