He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Sorry about my life...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
