Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
