I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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