I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
